Every single night, I went to bed with a heavy and sorrowful heart!
Unlimited unanswered questions in mind were worst than a nightmare!
Few days I would just forget the reason and remember that I am hurt and some days I would not feel anything but the reason of pain which would bring agony. I could not get along with my parents, friends, my life partner!
Most of the times I was willing to be alone!
Staying alone definitely used to give me peace because there was no one to question!
Being alone always gave me comfort because I didn’t have to make efforts to put a mask and pretend!
Ironically, few did get me! They asked me about my situations and I had nothing in terms of answers!
I could never express the pain to someone or in something, and that used to eat me alive!
Well, in the beginning when all this started I didn’t want to be participating in it because it was too hard!
I spoke to people, I used to call my friends, they understood everything and gave every possible the situation for every single issue I went with!
They made sure I came out of it or at least I made them believe so!
I always thought I have reasons to smile, to laugh and to enjoy this life!
Eventually, it was nothing but a sugar comma which always came with a harsh reality!
Then I changed my ways to inspirational books, sessions and every type of medication as well as meditation!
Inspirational books and sessions did motivate and inspire me for that particular instant but I always lacked with consistency! The will power to stay positive and motivated would vanish in the air like a drop of petrol would be fed away in the air, like magic!
I was done with surrounded by people not because they could not understand my pain but because I failed at explaining them, trusting them and understanding them!
I think they never gave up on me but only because I gave up on myself I always thought they did too!
I was not able to live every day breathing heavily to count on those end moments for which I craved for.
I did not want anything but the freedom from this prison!
So I decided to set myself free!
I was no more on medication so finishing myself was hard that way!
I was sure I did not want to drink something bitter so I decided to mix the poison up with food!
I decided to order my favourite paneer gravy and had the food with the intention of never waking up!
That night was something different! I used to sleep by the window and there was a bright light peeping in my room!
I looked at the sky and it was the moon, no it wasn’t full moon! It was just a curve but too bright, more than a full night!
I closed my eyes and I saw myself laughing with those glamorous eyes, yes, it was hard to believe but it was me!
A thought struck, “No, I was never going to look like that anymore!”
The next picture was of the dreams I talked and dreamt about in my childhood!
“I was never going to get a chance to complete any of them anymore!”
The last thing I saw was a body surrounded by people crying and feeling guilty about how they could have helped me!
Only these three things made me want to live again!
I wanted to live again for that devil laugh, for those dreams!
I never wanted anyone to feel the failure!
That moment I understood the importance of living!
The struggle of finishing myself was easy but the courage to live the real-life was difficult but it came along with perks!
But it was too late because I was not able to walk, I was not able to move!
“Don’t want to pretend” decision had made me stay alone, so there was no one I could ask for help.
That paneer gravy with the poison had started its work and I was actually counting my last moments with the wish of living this life!
That moment I understood the importance of living life!
That moment I felt the greediness of living life! But I was closing the eyes and that was it! I took the last heavy breath which was not at all same how I felt earlier, it was much filled with regret than pain! I closed my eyes for once and all!
As soon as I closed my eyes, I woke up and sat on my bed! The sweat was dripping on my bed.
I observed the moon, it was as bright as I had seen in the dream, the dream which made me realise the importance of life!
The importance of living and enjoying the moment instead of comparing every painful moment with last moment!
Though I was living the last moment in a dream, it made me realise that last moments are supposed to be happy instead of wondering and missing out on the dreams I am supposed to work on!
Whenever I failed and when I was hurt, those moments were terrible but they did give me the chance to make the rest of life better!
But the last moment made me think about the happy time I had and an opportunity to make things the best for me instead of finishing them!